Scout is 5 months!

For the love of...
Seriously. What just happened? This little sweetie is 5 months today and it's not fair. I just got her! 
Now she's a super chubby, crazy loud (she prefers screaming over crying), beautiful, smiley, bouncing baby girl and I just love her to pieces. 
I took a couple little pictures of her, just to remember how she is at this very moment. 
Rolls, faux hawk, and all. 

 The start of the new year is so exciting with a new baby. I can't wait to see her little personality come out even more and to enjoy her as such a perfect addition to our family. 

We love you so much, Scout! 

Christmas 2014!

This year, my family from Idaho, Utah, and Pennsylvania all decided to drive and meet up in the middle in Missouri for Christmas! 
Last Christmas we were also able to spend the day all together--me then being newly pregnant with Scout and this year my dear friend Courtney and my brother, Bryon, are expecting their first little one (a boy!) in June! 
Once again, Aunt Darlene was an exceptionally gracious hostess and we can't thank her enough for all of the great memories. 

Prepare yourself for photo overload. Also, bonus points for identifying the correct number of pictures Aunt Brynne photo-bombed. 

We've made a Christmas card almost every year since having Jude and this is the first time we've actually sent one out! Sorry to all those we weren't able to send cards to--it's nothing personal, truly. I just knew that if I didn't cap it at 30 cards I'd probably ending up sending 300. Whatever, I know 300 people...

Back in those arms. 

Scout wore the dress I wore for my first Christmas this year! 

Soon-to-be Uncle Nick made Jude a custom Santa pinata filled with candy and cars! 

They treated us SO SO good. Christmas Eve ribs!!!!

Can't wait to meet little Andy in June!

Jude takes coloring very seriously, in all its forms.

That there is a hand-painted picture of  grumpy cat on a mug done by insanely-talented Nick.   (Not pictured are two more mugs with hand-painted portraits of Jude and Scout. Seriously, this guy.)  

My cousin Kacy made a pillow case out of one of my Grandpa's favorite shirts and gave it to my Grandma for Christmas. She responded by burying her face into it while simultaneously crying and laughing. So grateful to spend yet another wonderful Christmas with this remarkable woman.

Out. 

And there you have it! 

There are about a million more pictures, awkward moments, cookies eaten, presents opened, and naps taken, but this is it. 

Family really is what it's all about. 

Hope everyone had a very, Merry Christmas! 

They Don't Say

I consider this one of the most personal and note-worthy experiences of my life. I've thought awhile about whether I should share it or not, due to the nature of the content, but I know that in the moment it happened to me having someone to empathize and totally relate was crucial to gaining insight and ultimately healing from this painful struggle, and I can absolutely open my heart to anyone to offer them the same kindness. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013 -- 2:46 AM. 
They Don’t Say 

I never thought it’d happen to me. It’s happened to so many women before, but not to me. It wouldn’t happen to me. 
But it did happen to me. I wondered for a day. And then the second day I came close to knowing. And then there I stood. In my kitchen. A searing pain shot through my body, and I knew. And as I sat in my bathroom, it happened, and my little boy kissed my legs and feet while I sobbed.
No one said it would be like this. They say things like, “Oh, it’s so common. Happens all the time. You just bleed and that’s it.”
No one said anything about it. They didn’t say that you watch your belly grow each week, read about how everything is developing at an exciting rate, how the brain, and heart, and legs and hands are all there. They don’t say that you dream about what they’ll look like, if they’re a boy or girl, or how perfectly they’ll fit in your family. And how loved by you and their father and their brother they will be. They don’t talk about it. And they certainly don’t talk about how you dream and wish and love and hope while you’re standing in your kitchen alone. And then all-of-a-sudden, it stops. And it’s just you. And it doesn’t make any sense. 
They don’t say that you have to walk out your front door to get a picture of what was supposed to be a beautiful beating heart that is now just an empty space. And your heart breaks. 
They don’t say that you grieve. That you feel the pains of labor and sit in your bathroom horrified as you deliver. Alone. And perhaps it wasn’t a child at all. Perhaps it was doomed from the beginning. But they don’t say that you’ll still mourn a joyfully anticipated opportunity that is now gone. 
They don’t say how you have to pick yourself back up and “try again.” All over again. 
“And keep your chin up sweetie, because the next one will take.”
They don’t say that you won’t want to try again. That you gave it a perfectly great try last time. And it took. And that you watched your belly grow, and felt your dreams take off, and knew you could never imagine yourself loving anything more. 

They just don’t say. And now I know why.