Monday, June 10, 2013

To Be Totally Honest: Nurse Installation

Nurse hat on, standing on a hypothetical bedside commode as a soap box, and begin: To be totally honest...

-Dear Dr. Stupid, stop yelling at me for your own mistakes. I'm not your dog. Furthermore, the orders you write for my patients totally suck. 
-No, I will not respond to you when you call me "Pill Lady." 
-To my male patients: stop looking down my shirt while I lean forward to listen to your lungs or I'll make up an excuse to give you an enema. 
-No, I will not give you Tylenol, Tramadol and Dilaudid all at once because you have 3/10 pain. I'm not in the business of killing you.
-I had graham crackers for dinner last night. 
-Stop blaming me for your colostomy pouch bursting when you can't stop picking at it.
-When I haven't peed in 12 hours, don't huff at me for having to wait 10 minutes before I could see you and then have the gall to ask, "What have you been doing this whole time?" just to inform me that all you needed was your trash bag changed. I will loathe your existence for all eternity. 
-If your family member is one of my patients and you call asking "How's mom doing today?," I don't magically know who your mom is by the sound of your voice. Don't get mad at me when I ask you to be more specific. 
-My nursing shoes should be burned. 
-I fear that I will have kidney infections many times throughout my career due to carrying around 12 hours worth of pee every shift. 
-I imagine I look like a ravenous hyaena devouring an animal carcass after weeks of starvation when I scarf down a few bites of a sandwich between patients. 
-I have misspelled "pennies" for "penis" more times than I can count.
-To all my frail little old ladies who keep falling while getting out of bed: I have envisioned duct-taping you to your bed so many, many times. 
-Don't flirt with someone who knows your medical history. You have no chance in hell, buddy. 

Now, with your own professions in mind, be totally honest with me. 


  1. Love the post and here goes.

    Pharmacy tech-
    -If you come in asking for a pill not by strength or proper name but by the street name and what the pill looks and tastes like... we will be calling the stupid doctor that gave you that prescription for "severe back pain."
    -If you ask us if there is a liquid version of birth control... that would be a negative.
    -When I tell you we don't have any and then you gasp..."you don't have any?" That is correct you just repeated exactly what I just said I DON'T HAVE ANY.
    -When you itch all over and just told me you have scabies or lice... don't get give me that look when I use a Kleenex to pick your refill bottle up. I don't want them or your sass.
    -If you have an prescription to fill and it takes me 5 minutes to get everything done and completed, say thank you. I could have drug that out much longer.
    -If you don't like our drive thru service because we had to call your doctor to clarify what the medicaiton is and how many he really wanted because he didn't write it down... on a saturday... when he is out of the office... right before we close, walgreens is across the street and i'm sure their hour wait policy would just thrill you. You ask me again why it took me so long and when I tell you look at me disgusted I will break through this little window and cleave you in half. Kapiche?
    -If you aren't dying I will NEVER put your's in ahead of others because "you always come here" or "you don't want to wait" You aren't any different from anyone else in here.
    -I can't use your gift card or your mom's credit card as an ID for controlled substances. Why are you driving without a license anyways?
    -When you pull up in your new Lexus and berate the technician for your $3 Medicaid co-paybecause last time it was free... I just spit in your bag, happy?
    -I know you think the medication should have a refill but it doesn't. When you tell me check again, I just stay silent for a few seconds and then tell you no. There are only 3 prescriptions on your profile. I'm not missing anything
    -I can't make your prescription taste better. You had half your tongue cut out. I'm sure that medical cherry flavoring will be sufficient.
    -I'm sorry that your 3 year old child doesn't want to take his medication for MRSA infection. I don't really know what to tell you. How about you pony up and make him take his medication. Be a parent! Take charge.
    -When a pharmacist tells you he can't fill it, don't come over to my counter and ask me if I can just put it through. The pharmacist will catch on sooner or later bud. I promise.
    -Be responsible for your own medications. I am not your mother or your caretaker. If the prescription ran out of refills and you haven't taken them in 3 weeks and you need it right now... I don't know what to tell you. And when you say, "well what are you going to do about it." I keep my lips closed for a reason.
    -If you call and ask us to wait for you before we close, we have 2 minutes until our system goes off and I'm sorry that your drug seeking habits have brought you price shopping 45 minutes away from where you currently reside and you really need your Lortab.
    -You trying to fill your prescription early 5 times doesn't make me think your a user at all. Not one bit.

  2. Britt, you are hilarious. and I will attempt to be totally honest with you. (Food Broker)
    1. I understand that most of you have been in this business since before my parents were born, but don't act like 24 years old is a negative thing. 24 is the new thing.
    2. Men around or above my father's age, do not look at me. Please.
    3. Despite my superhuman powers, I cannot do 6 clients to-do lists all at the same time.
    4. If you call and I don't answer, don't keep calling.
    5.To every person that has commented at a business dinner about my ordering water with lemon, there are much more interesting things in life.

  3. this made my day. honestly, I do not envy your job when you post lists like this haha. My honest list would take too much time and might be offensive haha.

  4. Since I don't have a job right now, here is me being honest as a mom:
    1. Just got thrown up on today, and at least it smelled like Trix for a while before the curdled milk smell came out.
    2. (to the person who just walked through my door) Yes my house is a disaster, dinner dishes from two days ago are still on the counter along with the food my two children threw on the floor.
    3. I know its time to clean when I can't walk on the living room carpet without picking stickers and crumbs off my feet.
    4. Runny noses are gross, but at least they don't stink like dirty diapers.

  5. AARRGGHHH This is why I left bedside nursing and I'm doing NP school. Nursing sucks.


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