Nurse hat on, standing on a hypothetical bedside commode as a soap box, and begin: To be totally honest...
-Dear Dr. Stupid, stop yelling at me for your own mistakes. I'm not your dog. Furthermore, the orders you write for my patients totally suck.
-No, I will not respond to you when you call me "Pill Lady."
-To my male patients: stop looking down my shirt while I lean forward to listen to your lungs or I'll make up an excuse to give you an enema.
-No, I will not give you Tylenol, Tramadol and Dilaudid all at once because you have 3/10 pain. I'm not in the business of killing you.
-I had graham crackers for dinner last night.
-Stop blaming me for your colostomy pouch bursting when you can't stop picking at it.
-When I haven't peed in 12 hours, don't huff at me for having to wait 10 minutes before I could see you and then have the gall to ask, "What have you been doing this whole time?" just to inform me that all you needed was your trash bag changed. I will loathe your existence for all eternity.
-If your family member is one of my patients and you call asking "How's mom doing today?," I don't magically know who your mom is by the sound of your voice. Don't get mad at me when I ask you to be more specific.
-My nursing shoes should be burned.
-I fear that I will have kidney infections many times throughout my career due to carrying around 12 hours worth of pee every shift.
-I imagine I look like a ravenous hyaena devouring an animal carcass after weeks of starvation when I scarf down a few bites of a sandwich between patients.
-I have misspelled "pennies" for "penis" more times than I can count.
-To all my frail little old ladies who keep falling while getting out of bed: I have envisioned duct-taping you to your bed so many, many times.
-Don't flirt with someone who knows your medical history. You have no chance in hell, buddy.
Now, with your own professions in mind, be totally honest with me.