Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Meltdown - Part 1

For some reason, grasping and illuminating all the things that really piss me off has been a fool-proof way to find amusement in my everyday annoyances, blood boilers, and stinging smacks in the face. Keep in mind, I am in no way on the verge of a meltdown, but what normal person doesn't have a couple of things to get off their chest by the end of the week? So hold on, Vancouver-Portland area, this is your first, of of course many, uncalled for expose's:

- Why are we all still stuck in the 90's? And not the good 90's. I'm talking dirty plaid button down, baggy-ripped Levi's, greasy hair parted down the middle, and a swagger that says, "I'm under the impression that not bathing or washing my clothes is trendy and desirable."
- For people that experience a lot of moisture year-round, why do you brake every time a rain drop lands on your windshield? You're causing a lot of traffic.
- Speaking of traffic-- how many people commute to-and-from Portland a day? A lot? So why are there 2 highways to get you home? Both of which go to completing different sides of Vancouver? If you think you're being green by recycling, you're not. It all evens out with the hundreds of cars stuck on your freeways for hours each week. 
- Yes, I am married and have a child. That doesn't mean that when guessing my age you can automatically assume that I'm in my 30s. 
- Thanks, by no thanks on the unsolicited baby advice. 
- To my neighbor down the way, if you knock on your door harder maybe you'll beat some kind of record. 
- Hey boobs: get it together and do your one job. My child is hungry. 
- To all you frozen yogurt places--Yolicious, YoCream, YoCrap--please stop charging me Pinkberry prices for stuff that is definitely not Pinkberry.
- Why do all of our friends live far away? 
- Mount Hood: PLEASE don't freak out. Had I known you were an active volcano I wouldn't have moved here. 
- To the tree huggers: Your attempts at emulating the soft, whisper-like voices of the elves on the Lord of the Rings are creepy and completely out of context. Climb back into your Subaru Outbacks, with your Obama memorabilia--no doubt--and keep driving until you reach the undying land. Kind of upsets me that I know that reference. 

No mas. 


  1. bahaha! oh home sweet home ;)

    and Britney, PLEASE tell me you've seen the show Portlandia. Have you? If you like quirky humor, and Fred Armisen (from SNL) you'll LOVE it. I just watch clips on hulu, and it cracks me up every time! check it out:
    My favorite clips are "put a bird on it", "dumpster divers", "ordering the chicken" and "I dream of the 90's". ENJOY! ;)

  2. That's funny. My sister lives in Portland.. have you ever seen any of the series Portlandia? You should watch it on Hulu, specifically "Put a Bird on It." So funny. Ok, I'm an idiot and just read the comment above this. Ha!


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